By CHS Clinical Director – Robert Mendelsohn, MFT, CSAT-S
Think sex is a drive? Like the drives to sleep, eat and drink? Well, you would think wrong. It is not a drive. No one ever died from lack of sex. It is better described as an incentive motivational system (If the reward justifies the effort, the action becomes highly appealing).
2) Do you think that a genital response means that you are aroused? Well, it may, but not necessarily. You may have such a response without arousal and without the stage after arousal, desire. This is called nonconcordance and though more more common in women than in men is not infrequent in either of those particular genders. How do we tell if our partner is aroused? Trust their words.
3) The difference between spontaneous desire and responsive desire: the first happens all by itself, the second is context-dependent, that is, it comes when “brakes” are absent and “accelerators” are present. You can be one or the other or a mixture of both. Guess whether it’s important to know which you (and/or your partner(s)) are?
4) Pop quiz: Do you have a current partner? If so, name three of their sexual “brakes,” that is, influences that kill their sexual buzz. Now name three of their sexual accelerators, that is, three things that get them hot. Don’t know? Find out!
Want to learn more? See Come As You Are, by Emily Nagoski.
